


Petrichor

by MedicalMystery



Series: Incomplete [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: AU where they are their own people and living their own lives, Angst, Bullying, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Past Abuse, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, just in case, music as distractions, patton goes through some garbage, personal experiences from author, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:06:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24139342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MedicalMystery/pseuds/MedicalMystery
Summary: Almost ten years ago, Patton was hurt by someone. Stuck in his inner turmoil, Patton has, quite possibly, the worst day of his life. He opens up to Logan and Roman about past experiences with someone he once considered a friend, though it isn't easy. It never is.Originally named On The Subject of Storm Clouds.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Morality | Patton Sanders & Everyone
Series: Incomplete [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1742818
Comments: 2
Kudos: 39





	Petrichor

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone has gone through any kind of abuse, I am so sorry. I hope you're finding help and on getting on track for healing. It's so awful to be hurt by people you feel like you're supposed to be able to trust. Just know that you aren't alone and you do deserve to be happy. I believe in you.

_You like rainbows, right? Well, you always see one after a bit of rain._

Logan looked to his friend’s room. The door that was usually wide open for anyone to pop in was closed today. If he really took the time to listen, which he did, he could hear Patton’s “Feels Bad” playlist playing just loud enough to fill the empty spaces of his room. Of course anyone can have a bad day. To simply be happy all the time was just about impossible. At the same time, Patton was usually stress-baking. If he was feeling incredibly sad, he would be baking and he would be wearing the light blue headphones Virgil gifted him two years ago to block out his thoughts. It was rare for Patton to lock himself up in his room, even during his lows.

He did not feel good about this particular bad day. Logan approached the door and knocked. He heard nothing, only the music getting louder. It seemed Patton wanted to be alone for today. Logan would keep his door open to him regardless. “Patton,” he raised his voice in hopes he could be heard, “If you need to talk, I will be here for you.” Without waiting for a response, Logan went on with his day. He had a schedule to keep to, but maybe he could spare some time to prepare a comfort snack for Patton. 

  
  


Patton, at that moment, was trying to pretend his feelings weren’t a thing. He was blasting his music as loud as it could possibly get without being disruptive to his roommates and looking at pictures of cakes because he didn’t want to go out of his room to actually bake one right now. His headphones were too far from his bed and he didn’t want to get out to grab them just to listen to his music when his laptop still had speakers. 

His thoughts were running all over, but also not. The voices of his past screamed at him, demanding answers he could not provide. They shouted over his music over and over, _How could you? How could you be so selfish? She wasn’t that bad, Patton. She didn't hurt you that bad. She was your closest friend. Patton. Patton!_ He wrapped Virgil's old hoodie around his shoulders as if it would shield him from all his problems. Roman's red scarf was bunched up in his fists, just barely grounding him in reality. Patton was so tired. 

There was a knock at his door. “Patton,” he couldn’t register the voice at first, “If you need to talk, I will be here for you.” 

_So what if she hit you sometimes? It wasn’t every day, Patton._ It still hurt. _It wasn’t as bad as it could have been._ That can’t be where the bar is. _So many other people have had it worse._ She hated me. _She cared about you. You’re just too stuck in your own dumb ass to see it._ She hurt me. _She was just trying to—_ For the love of cookies, please just shut up. 

Patton remained stuck in his head for hours. When the natural light dimmed and his room was only illuminated by the light of his overheating laptop, he had half a mind to leave his room for dinner. After everything, after going through every single possible course of action he could have taken to make everyone happy in that situation, Patton decided it was time to pretend nothing existed. He was numb, exhausted, hungry and in desperate need to drink some water. Body on autopilot, Patton slipped out of his room still wearing Virgil’s old hoodie and Logan’s tie. Was his heart even beating anymore? Was he _breathing_ ? He didn’t know. He didn’t _care_. 

  
  


They had a system and it worked well, for the most part. If any of them were feeling terrible, they always stuck to a plan that worked best to comfort them. Virgil would get to build a blanket fort with them and they’d all just cuddle in it, Roman would lead them through rewriting a whole movie to fix any of its flaws, Logan would get to spit random facts about anything on his mind over coffee or tea, and Patton would bake until they either ran out of ingredients or until they were all too tired to keep standing. 

Patton did not want to bake. Patton did not want to be anywhere near the stove or the kitchen or anything. While Logan prepared dinner with Roman whistling some song Patton couldn’t recognize, he sat on the couch. He felt like he was watching his own life from a different point of view, never mind the fact that he was still viewing it from his own eyes. Patton felt numb. It wasn’t that bad. The numbness was probably the best he’d felt in almost a week. 

Virgil crashed beside him and he flinched. For a second, he thought— Well. Virgil noticed. Virgil is the only one in this apartment who knows. He made a playlist for Patton for whenever he gets stuck in his memories specifically for this reason. Now Patton has worried him, as if he couldn’t be any more of a mistake than he was in that moment. “If you want to talk about it,” Virgil says and Patton is too exhausted to lie anymore, “I’ll help you.”

Patton didn’t know if he wanted to talk about it. Patton didn’t know if he really trusted Logan or Roman with that kind of information, not that they weren’t trustworthy. Logan was never really one for feelings and Roman— well Patton just didn’t know if he would end up behaving similarly to _her_ . They had similar attitudes, they both had a flair for dramatics, they both were just… _similar_. Patton liked his life the way it was now without the threat of his roommate hurting him the same way. Not that Roman could possibly do that. Right? He was better than her. He was much better than her. Roman nearly persuaded Logan to adopt a puppy because Patton was sad, so he had to be a good person.

Virgil lightly tapped his shoulder and Patton snapped out of his thoughts. His friend offered a reassuring smile. “It’ll be okay,” he said, and Patton believed him. So he nodded, let himself breathe, and let Virgil pull him into a hug. “We’re here for you, Pat.” 

  
  


“Pat,” Roman murmured. Virgil had gone to grab all of their old stuffed animals to make a large pile of “soft” for him. Logan, though not usually one for physical contact, kept a firm grip on his hand as if to silently support him. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” Patton vaguely registered the tremble in his own hands. He felt so cold.

“It’s fine,” Patton insisted, “I can do it. I just,” he sighed, “It’s _hard_ . I don’t really know where to start, y’know?” They didn’t steamroll. They all sat as close to him as they could. They were warm. They were _safe_. 

  
  


Patton had a friend when he was younger. She was one of his only friends. Patton couldn’t always afford to eat, so she brought food for him. She was nice. She let him talk about his interests and she was… a good friend. She cared about him. _No, she didn’t._ She loved him. _No, she didn’t._ She helped him when he felt sad, comforted him when he was grieving, introduced him to her friends and without her he’d be lonely and sad and— 

He trusted her. He told her things he didn’t trust with anyone else. It was like a switch. She told him that he was wasting his time being sad, he wasn’t trying hard enough to be happy, he needs to _try harder_ — 

_“Patton… you’re shaking,” Roman whispered._

_“I-I’m just… c-cold…”_

When he told her that he was happy his gym class went so well because he got along well with his teammates, she insisted he was exaggerating. She excluded him from group activities more often. She once planned a birthday party with everyone, only to turn around and tell him he wasn’t invited. Later she sent snapchat messages of her and their friends at her party having fun without him. 

_“Well, that was cruel of her…”_

She hit him. At first it was because he refused to eat and told her that he just didn’t want to eat, so he deserved it— _No, you didn’t, stop telling yourself that._ Maybe it was because he apologized for acting irrationally, maybe it was because he was too scared to tell her that it hurt because he didn’t want to lose her. Maybe it was because he just thought it was normal for friends to hit each other like that. Whatever the reason, Patton just never said a thing and she would hit him again later, but he couldn’t remember the reason for it. He probably did something to deserve it, though, right? _No._

_“Patton, can I hold you?” He nodded jerkily. Warm as it was, he just couldn’t stop. He didn’t feel any urge to cry, but his body continued to tremble._

He stopped talking to her because she called him a waste of time. She belittled him and mocked him until it ruined his day and she called him a waste of time. He was friends with Virgil at the time and he realized _Virgil_ never did those things to him. _Virgil_ made him feel safe and loved and was nothing like _her_. It hurt and he wanted to stop ignoring her after the first hour, but his friend helped him push through it and Patton never talked to her again. 

After nearly ten years, Patton assumed he’d gotten past it. A few months ago, though, all of his presumed progress came crashing down. One of their old friends, one Patton hadn’t talked to in ages, asked him if he was willing to reconnect with her. After ten years, Patton assumed he’d gotten past it. He hadn’t. He was scared and anxious and he felt everything come crashing down. _What kind of progress is that if you take five thousand steps backwards?_

He didn’t want to. If it had been just a couple of years prior, he might have said yes. He might have gone straight back to her and let her continue to hurt him whenever she wanted to, but now he had Virgil, Logan, Roman, Emile, Remy, Janus, Remus— he had so many new friends. He had people who cared about him and didn’t hurt him and would never mock or put him down— Patton didn’t want to go back to being hurt again. 

So he stood up for himself for _once_ , and it went horribly. “You aren’t doing anything to help her at all. She needs friends, Patton.” 

He told them, “I never felt respected by her. I don’t feel safe around her. If she wants to reconnect, she should do it herself, not go through you.” He felt like throwing up after saying so. He wanted to take it back. He missed her so much it hurt, but she scared him so bad. 

“How is it her fault that you let your demons grow that big when she didn’t know to stop them? How is it her fault that you never set your boundaries?” 

_Virgil shook his sleeve down to cover his hand and wiped Patton’s tears away. “It wasn’t your fault,” he reminded him, and Patton slowly nodded. Logan and Roman held onto him. Roman wasn’t crying, but he looked so sad. Patton never wanted him to look so sad ever again._

Virgil had torn them apart for saying that when Patton cried to him about it. He yelled at them, “I think it’s ironic that you want to push Patton back into a cycle of trauma and abuse for the sake of _nostalgia_ . If Patton is trying to tell you that he doesn’t feel comfortable with reconnecting with her and you’re behaving like _this_ , are you not just fueling his fear? You’re actually trying to make her seem sympathetic? You’re telling Patton, the one who had to deal with her bullshit for YEARS, that _maybe_ his memories are playing tricks on him? You’re so manipulative, you know that?” 

“You’re villainizing her without even understanding her situation. She didn’t know that she hurt Patton. She didn’t _know_ she even did anything to him!” Patton remembered how infuriated Virgil was at hearing that. He was so infuriated that he had to take several deep breaths to calm himself down enough to continue. _Is this what it feels like when someone loves you?_ Janus had to step in while Remus went through some breathing exercises with their friend.

“Oh no, you’re right. It’s _totally_ Patton’s fault for being too scared to tell his _abuser_ , ‘No, don’t hit me! It hurts and it’s wrong to hit people!’ You’re such a hero for sticking up for someone who clearly didn’t realize that mocking someone, isolating them from their friends and _hitting them_ was a bad thing.” 

They were silent, but ultimately hadn’t acknowledged any of the points made. They left instead and Patton felt so guilty. What if they were right? What if Patton was overreacting and ignoring someone who clearly needed a friend? What if she was actually trying to just better him and Patton was taking it the wrong way? What if she actually _did_ care about him and she was just looking out for him? _She wasn’t._

It could have been worse. She could have hit him every day. She could have reminded him constantly that he was lonely and friendless and nothing without her guidance, but she didn’t. She could have isolated him from their friend group every single day, but she didn’t. She could have done so much worse and she never even left bruises, even if her strikes hurt. She never broke his bones or beat him half to death. She never put him in any life threatening situations, so why was he so scared of her? Why couldn’t he just be there for her? 

“Patton, I am aware it is rude to interrupt, but I’m going to stop you right here.” _Oh no, I’ve done something wrong, I’ve offended him somehow, he’s angry at me—_ “Do not try to rationalize her actions. Do not attempt to convince yourself that you were in the wrong and that she hurt you because she cared.” Patton tried to speak, but nothing came out, so he nodded. “She was a bully, no matter how you look at this situation. She hurt you because she wanted to look better than you and she _abused_ you.” Patton expected him to keep talking, but Logan went quiet. If he had anything left to say, he held his tongue. 

Roman ran his fingers through Patton’s hair. He brushed against a dip on the right side and Patton jerked away a little from his touch. He never covered that part of the story, but he could tell Roman could guess. There was a flash of anger in his eyes, just for a moment. “You need to forgive yourself, Patton,” he stated, “You need to accept that you _were_ hurt, and you shouldn’t blame yourself for something someone else did to you.” 

Virgil placed a hand on Patton’s knee. “I’m not surprised that you feel guilty, though. You’re an incredibly empathetic person and you have the biggest heart out of everyone I know. You have so much love to give to people, even when they don’t deserve it. With all the love you give, you don’t have enough for yourself but you deserve to.” 

“I don’t even know where to start,” Patton admitted quietly. “I keep trying to remind myself that it wasn’t my fault, but how do I know that? What if it was and I’m hurting her because I couldn’t get over my hurt for a single day to ask her how she is? What if—” 

“Pat, deep breaths. In 4, hold 7, out 8.” He followed Virgil’s lead and Roman went to swipe at some stray tears. “This is something you will have to move past on your own, you know this,” He felt a twinge of hopelessness for a moment, “but you don’t have to carry your burdens alone. You’ve got all of us behind you, okay?” 

Logan began to readjust the tie around Patton's neck just so that it wasn't as crooked as it was. "If you wish, we can schedule an appointment with Emile and he can help you get started on your path to recovery. Regardless of whether or not you wish to pursue therapy, know that Virgil speaks the truth. We will always be here for you to support you.” 

“We’ll slay your dragon witch for you, Patton.” Patton started at Roman in awe. He started to laugh, though it was a silly thing to laugh at, and his laughter turned into sobbing. Through his emotion rush, his companions held him and reassured him that he would be okay. He was safe and loved and important. Dinner was cold by now, but he didn’t want to move. 

“Can you guys keep holding me?”

“Of course, Pat.” 

_ One step after the other, kiddo. You can do it. _

**Author's Note:**

> I've come to the conclusion that just because there are no bruises, it doesn't invalidate the fact that it is still abuse. You deserve to be helped just like anyone else who goes through this bs situation. You are loved. You will be loved and you are so strong for making any kind of progress. It's not easy to heal.
> 
> Also the dip Roman touched was from the first time Patton was struck, yes.


End file.
